Requisite List of Stuff Pertaining to a New Year

When in doubt, I feature squash. Normal?

Yeah, you didn’t doubt this did you?  Am I not another sarcastic, inconsistent, sleepy, fruit-addicted (more on that later) twenty-something college graduate with impressive diction and an abandoned blog up her sleeve?  Um, yah!  And you know what that means, right?  It means I’m going to write a list of things—10 things, of course, under the guise of self-improvement and the crisp, clean slate that a forgiving January offers.  But really, it’s just that work is impossibly slow and Kim and Kanye seem to have quieted down their little music video that has shaken the foundation of my office, literally, since Tuesday morning.

Anyway, onto the resolutions enumerated phrases!

  1. Eat less fruit. No, really.  Why are you laughing at me?  I eat so much fruit it hurts, and it’s not virtuous or fun or affordable.  This morning, Ryan and I were eating breakfast and I asked him, “I guess it’s kinda dumb to bring an unripe banana to work, right?” and he said “yes” and so I sadly removed it from my lunch bag.  Well, we were walking out the door and he was all like, “WHAT’S IN THAT BAG!?” and it was weird, like, I saw this TSA agent side of him I had never experienced before.  His voice lacked trust and love and compassion; it was short and reminiscent of a young Jack Bauer.  I was like, “um, soup and a cheese stick?” and then he relaxed and said “I thought you had a whole bunch of unripe bananas in there.”  To which I replied, “what, do you think I would just take them all to work in a brown paper bag and peak every twenty minutes, to see if they had ripened?” and he said, “yes.”

    These things are like Marlboros for health snobs. They are like, the American Spirits of produce. And you can light them up at work.

  2. Ride my bike somewhere besides my alley and find the courage to make turns on it. No, really.  Why are you laughing at me, again?  Rude.  You don’t know, you don’t know the story of my first boyfriend, Phillip, we loved each other but then, on annual Bike Day, he brought his big two-wheeler (WTF?) to pre-school (I told you, WTF!?) and was riding it the wrong way through our humble, childish, and pathetically safe one-way biking course.  For whatever reason, probably a leaf in the pavement or, as legend has it, a giant fuzzy bunny attack, I fell from my shiny pink bicycle, which was adorned with very age-appropriate training wheels and ribbons and stuff.  Naturally, Phillip was coming to rescue me but failed and his freakish, dark, off-road motorcycle of a two-wheeler ran over my fragile little wrist instead.  The next thing I remember, I was sitting on the floor with my cousin Jasmine enjoying our second Mickey Mouse popsicles.  I understand now that this was the school’s attempt to prevent a lawsuit.  But still, I would not stop crying, so I went to the office and they called my mom and I waited for her to pick me up.  It took her three years to pick me up, or so it seemed, and as I waited, to help the time pass, I alternated between coloring and weeping.  Oh, the point is, he broke my wrist and his mom bought me a fake purse (it was pretty, a cream-colored fake leather coin holder!) but it was never the same.  Phillip’s heart had hardened.  The pain of hurting the only thing he ever loved proved to be too much for him, and next thing I knew, Phillip had moved to Colorado and I was  playing house with his best friend, Will, like, every afternoon.
  3. Start making my own coffee again. This used to be such a point of pride for me, because my mom sends me coffee and I save so much money but now I am a part of the proletariat and they know me at Starbucks.  I don’t know how it happened but I became the “Venti Bold, no room” girl and it makes me feel small.
  4. Start blogging again. And not in a way that is silly and pointless and just a sentence attached to a picture of a sandwich taken with my iPhone from inside my freezing cold office, but rather, in a way that engages me in a process that challenges (and thus, rewards) me creatively.  This blog started as a function of my unemployment/fascination with the concept of peanut butter, but quickly became so much more… it allowed me to write again, using food only as a springboard for conversation and exploration, really.  I’m not Martha Stewart or Nancy Silverton or even Sandra Lee (who, by the way, is moving into the Governor’s Mansion in New York, so don’t doubt the power of her Kwanzaa Cake or whatever).  But I’m pretty good at telling stories, and instead of hating myself for having stopped, I’d like to restart.  So there.

    This is a picture of a sandwich I ate at work. It is useless and a prime example of what I'd like to stop shoving onto my blog. That being said, it was my favorite lunch this week, or at least top three.

  5. Stop running through pain. It’s stupid and I know better but sometimes I can’t help myself and my calves really resent me for that.  Sorry, little guys.
  6. Slow down. In every aspect of my life, I rush.  In the morning, even when I am exhausted and it’s cold, my eyes fling open, demanding peanut butter.  And then, in less than a minute, breakfast has come and gone, and I am inconsolable.  No joke.  I am honestly mildly depressed when I finish my first meal, because I forgot to stop and enjoy it.  Luckily, Ryan has already put his foot down and we have been waking up earlier to have breakfast together before we leave (he usually brings his to work and I’m fed by 6am).  This has forced me to find other things to do in the morning besides eat peanut butter, such as brush my hair and open the blinds for a minute to say hello to the California sun.  It’s pretty nifty.  Today, I had scrambled eggs & a pear with some cheese toast.  Curveball!
  7. Make more friends. I have a tendency to love the ones I have, and then hold everyone else I meet up to absurd standards of awesomeness.  In other words, I expect potential friends (read: strangers) to be as awesomely weird and ridiculous as my best friends from childhood are, and obviously, I am left disappointed.  I mean, I don’t understand why they don’t get me.  Rude.
  8. Take a lunch break. Apparently, this is universally upheld as one of the gilded keys to sanity.  My source is Ryan, who’s a genius.  And I think the government and would agree with him, no?  As I write this, by the way, I am cursing going outside (it is beautiful and cold today) to enjoy my veggie soup.  Because I am a hermit, and apparently, I like to be in pain/indoors and I am a yuppie-hypocrite.   But we already knew that, didn’t we, because I went to NYU.
  9. Find a way to get back to the Farmers’ Markets. I love them, love them, love them, and my job revolves around them, and I’m so busy working I never get to them.  There is one a few blocks from here on Tuesday evening, and it’s no Santa Monica Wednesday, but it’s better than nothing.  I would like to go to two markets a month, at least, and I think that’s reasonable.

    This is what I loved about California when I moved here, and I want it to be a part of my life again.

  10. Stop taking myself so seriously. Honestly, who cares if I eat two bananas, four apples, a fruit salad, and a bag of baby carrots before dinner is served?  Or if I go to Starbucks because I’m lazy and American—at least it’s not a drive through.  I don’t eat fast food.  I exercise at least four times a week.  I have a job and sunshine and love and friends and family and tacos every Tuesday.  I’m blessed, even if I eat fruit with the faucet running so Ryan can’t hear me/thinks I”m doing the dishes.  Ha!

Happy New Year.  What’s your resolution?

One Response to “Requisite List of Stuff Pertaining to a New Year”
  1. I haven’t thought of any resolutions yet … but I like yours!!

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